Last night was not easy. I made some pretty uncomfortable confessions to Rob about my current physical condition and my fears for the forseeable future. It was not pretty. I cried. A lot. I got really down on myself, and I had to admit my deepest, darkest fears. Namely that I’m rushing headlong toward diabetes and heart problems unchecked.

For once, food is not the only culprit. For the last few weeks, I’ve been far too sedentary, justifying here, there and everywhere, and the results are difficult to ignore. Arthritis has been kicking my ass on a regular basis, which had all but stopped when I was going to the gym regularly and doing yoga. I’ve been whining for months that I can’t do yoga in my apartment due to space constraints, and yet, I managed to do several basic poses in Rob’s room the other day to loosen my back up. Justifying again.

I look down, and I’m disgusted. I remember how good I was starting to look before I put back 20 of the 40 pounds I had lost. I remember how much better I felt, too. I could actually feel built-up muscle responding when I did stuff around the house, I had more energy, and I felt unstoppable. Now I just feel like crawling back into bed. Rob said I had to come up with a plan to change the situation. So here goes.

South Beach. Without justifying, withhout substituting, without cheating. It works, and I know I can maintain it, because I follow a lot of the basic rules almost all the time. I’ve just been lazy lately. Gym membership is to be renewed on Saturday after I drop Zachary off for his dog-sitting gig at Kari’s place. There is no reason at all that I can’t go to the gym every Saturday other than laziness, so that’s non-negotiable. I’m also going back to school on Tuesdays, and it had been my habit to hit the gym before class, so Tuesday nights are in too. Any day I’m not at the gym requires walking or cycling, and since I don’t have anywhere to safely keep a bike at home yet (nor am I comfortable riding on the street yet, walking is it for now).

I can’t sit around and keep saing I’ll change something tomorrow. I need to make those changes today. Because my body is changing as a result of my inactivity and justifications, and I don’t like what it’s changing into. Most of all, I want my kids to have a mom, I want my nieces and nephews to know me, and I want to be around for a long time to see where this adventure with Rob will end up. And none of that will happen if I don’t do this now.

We walked 2.25 miles around Lake Andrea in Pleasant Prairie, Wisconsin tonight. Game on.

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