I have a confession to make. I’m not proud of myself, and I hope to hell the person concerned doesn’t read my blog. I am deeply ashamed of how I’ve felt since Saturday, and I need to pull my head out of my ass.
Someone close to me recently had gastric bypass surgery. And while I don’t think I could ever voluntarily subject myself to surgery unless it meant saving my life (which is why I still haven’t had that knee replacement), I can totally see why she did it. I understand the depression and self-loathing involved with being grossly overweight. I know that no one who has never been fat can ever understand the struggle, those hundreds of tiny battles you have with yourself every single day. Every time you see/smell/think of food, every time you debate whether to get up off the couch and go to the gym, or take a walk, or just have a nap. I know the desperation all too well. I’m just not brave enough to do it.
This person has lost somewhere in the neighborhood of 70 lbs in the time it’s taken me to lose 15 lbs (roughly two months). I was so excited on Saturday because it had been a while since I’d seen anyone, and I hoped they would notice the difference. Yeah… um… When I’m standing next to someone who has just dropped half a person, guess how many people noticed I had lost weight? I felt like a “Before” picture.
A couple of weeks ago when the girls and I were in Chicago for Stitches Midwest, even Rob didn’t notice. and the more people I came across who didn’t notice, the sadder and more depressed I got. I’m actually crying right now because it hurts that I worked so hard. And that’s incredibly selfish and petty of me. How does it hurt me that she’s lost a lot of weight? How does it affect me in any way at all? I should be happy that someone I know has struggled with their weight is seeing success after a lifetime of searching for it.
But I’m not happy about it. I’m depressed as hell. And I CRIED about this. I mean really… who is so unhappy with themselves that they cry over someone else’s success??? (I’ll admit… I was crying because nobody noticed that I had lost weight, it had nothing to do with her. Rob hadn’t seen her, and I cried because he hadn’t noticed).
I need to kick myself in the ass and stop worrying about whether or not this is working for anyone else, and figure out a way to keep myself going. I have something I want to try, it’s a bit more tactile than tracking things online. Maybe after I’ve got this set up, I’ll post a picture or two! (which reminds me, I need to pack the camera for our trip to Rhinebeck, NY this week! – Not knitting related for those who are confused about the dates – I’m going BACK to Rhinebeck in October for the Sheep & Wool festival).
Today, I have been more careful with what I’ve eaten. I won the battle against junk food when I popped over to Giant Tiger to pick something up for lunch (shrimp w/curry sauce) and I’m going to the gym after work. I just need to keep it up until I go to bed tonight.